when i started praying, i pictured this:
|one little spot...totally fixable.|
one spot in which i was lacking peace because i saw that area of my life with skewed vision, i.e., if i truly understood just how much god cared about that portion of my life, i'd feel content.
so i prayed and prayed to see which area was hurting.
i prayed and prayed he'd show me how much he loved me in it. and i suspected that it was in the area of creativity, because that's where i've felt most lost lately. but i'm not great at parenting or wifery either, so you know, i kept my options open.
however, as the days passed, i began to feel more like this:
|what was in my mind, was not a weird cheese man with heart head.|
but I no can draw it any gooder.
i heard once that we are like cracked cups. even if love is poured into us, we are never quite full. because we leak, we need continual filling. but it feels more dramatic than that sometimes. i feel like i'm holey throughout like swiss cheese - like god and friends and family are all trying their best, but i'm so broken, the love just streams out as fast as it enters. it doesn't stick or "work," whatever that means. i don't like that feeling. I don't like feeling empty. and I don't even really like swiss cheese (havarti and muenster, please).
i've been wondering, is it even possible to believe god doesn't love you in only one isolated area? i think it's more infectious than that. feeling he doesn't see or care about one area of your life begins to contaminate all the areas eventually.
so now I've pictured myself less as a weird cheese man, and more like this:
one of those ugly natural sponges that grow in nature, not the fun colorful kind with a scrubby side or detergent injected into the handle.
sometimes we feel brittle and dry, you know? still. inactive. stuck. blah. wretched. worthless. but that isn't the way i want to feel.
i like when you see the sponge drenched, completely full of water, soft, smushy, useful. it seems so transformed, you know? not even like the same weird hard ugly object it was. i think god wants that too. i think he wants us to be filled with his love, soft, smushy, useful.
then we can um...i dunno...wash sexy shoulders?
|this blog post brought to you by Hydrea: The Lady with the Dirtiest Shoulder|
or be a crab hat?
or do whatever is happening here....
(people on the internet are so weird)
regardless, i want the love to "stick" and drench my achiest places and yours too. i don't want to be brittle or bitter or blah or wretched.
i think wounds can cause that.
i think discouragement can also.
honestly, sometimes, i think it's just a phase. and there's no quick fix.
but the first step is simple.
just ask him to help you see and believe how he loves you.